Changing Directions

Good morning everyone! Just wanted to blog a little today about a new direction we are pursuing. It has been exactly 3 years since we started trying to have a family. I will always remember the date because we were on our way home from a friend's wedding and stopped in Gatlinburg to eat dinner. Allen leaned across the table and told me he was ready. I responded with, "Ready for what?" He said I could throw away my birth control pills! That began a journey that has led us to this day 3 years later. Did I ever think on June 22, 2008 that I would be sitting here 3years later childless? Absolutely not! After hearing those words from Allen I think I immediately went out and bought the book What to Expect when You're Expecting! Jumped the gun a little huh? Although I worried we'd maybe experience a little trouble, I never thought it would be years of painful infertility.

So now as I look back on what we've been through medically; several rounds of clomid, 3 rounds of HMG shots, almost 10 IUI's and 2 laparoscopic surgeries, we are excited to say that we have started the process of domestic adoption through Lifeline Children's Services! Let me preface with this: Allen and I still feel very strongly that one day I will be pregnant. I know that may seem weird to say that and start adoption but we are ready for a family and feel this is the direction God is leading us. We have been married almost 5 years and will be 30 and 33 this year. To me, waiting much longer to start a family is silly. I have wanted to be a mother since I could talk and if that means having the chance to bring a sweet child into our family through adoption then that is what we'll do! I know that the journey we've taken so far has been a rollercoaster and we couldn't have made it without the love of our Savior Jesus and constant prayer warriors. Infertility is a battle that is so unexplainable and painful but I believe God has big plans in store for those of us He brings through a trial of this kind.

We have only told a few people at the moment. We are almost done with the initial paperwork and hope to submit that this week. Then we will have two home studies, fill out a profile, and wait patiently until a birth mother chooses us! This whole process will take around 2-3 months so hopefully our profile will be ready to view by birth mothers in October at the latest! We are prepared that it could be immediate or a long wait. Either way we know God has a plan for our family.

Financially we are praying that He will provide. We have heard of some grants and no interest loans we can apply for as well as donations from family and friends. Even though we have spent so much money so far on our infertility journey, I am really not worried about the money. People adopt every day domestic and international and I believe God provides the money and a means to pay for everything.

Please pray for us as we start this new journey! I hope to soon be blogging about a new addition to our family! We have already started praying for that sweet little one God is knitting in the womb just for us!

Oh and on a side note, Hank now knows how to sit, shake, speak, lay down and roll over!! He has been like a sponge lately!! I just love him so much and I know he can't wait to be a big brother!! HA!!

Summer Fun

It has been a few weeks since I've posted and a lot has happened!! First of all I got out of school..yippee!! On the last day, Tuesday, May 24th we went to a Steve Martin concert where we got to meet him!! And my sweet niece Grace was born! Shew, what a day :) Here are a few pics!

Me and Steve Martin!!!

Sweet Grace! I'm a proud Auntie again :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After I checked out on Wednesday we decided we would go to Indy and spend the weekend with my family and meet Grace. We had a blast! My sister came and so did my dad, stepmom and brother. Of course we stayed with my mom and Dan and spent time with Shane, Anne and baby Grace. Doesn't my brother look like a natural? Mine and Allen's siblings sure do make good looking babies!!

We stayed up there through Sunday then hurried home so we could be with Vanessa, Adam and Hannah! Hannah has had low platelets for about a month and they had to do a bone marrow biopsy on her the other day :( They think she is fine but may have to start her on steroids! Poor thing. It was so great to spend time with them. Hannah is growing up so fast and she is such a cutie pie and so much fun!

The next week was spent getting ready for the beach :) We were going to be gone Friday thru Wednesday, but Allen was able to get the whole week off and we got to stay! It was probably the longest vacation Allen and I have ever had together! We spent it with some awesome friends! We stayed in a house at Ocean Lakes Campground and some of our friends camped too. We had beautiful weather, ate wonderful food and had a blast riding around on golf carts at night during the "cruise line." I missed Hank terribly but it was so nice to get away. I got a great tan and read some good books!!

Some of the people we stayed with!

Allen being a sweetie!

Our fun group of 20!

Getting ready to go on the cruise line!

My buddies Candi and Pam!

Out to eat one night!

Anyway now we're back and gearing up for VBS this week and Mission Trip in 2 weeks! Needless to say it will be a very busy summer. Last month we decided to not do any kind of medication but I started my period when we were at the beach :( Very frustrating for both of us. We don't know what God wants us to do during this time so I guess we will continue to wait. I am hopeful that maybe our prayers will be answered this summer in some way. I still cannot believe it has been 3 years since we started trying. :( Ok, so I don't wanna end on a sad note so in honor of Father's Day coming up here is a picture of my dad with sweet little Grace! He is gonna be such a great Pop!!! I cannot wait till the day that he is holding my sweet child!

Mother's Day

So as I'm sitting here typing this post I am already dreading our church service tomorrow...now before you think I'm crazy let me explain. Not only is tomorrow Mother's Day, it's also Baby Dedication day at our church. I am very thankful for my mother and know that it is a day to honor all the mom's in my life, but it's also a reminder that I am still not a mom three years later :( I don't wanna use this post to complain but I do want to express the ache in my heart. Each year as I've watched all my friends/family stand to be honored on this special day I usually just smile, nod and think in the back of my head "Next year, it will be me." But the cold hard truth is, it may not be. In 2008, did I truly think I'd be sitting here in May 2011 childless? Nope! So as another Mother's Day goes by I have to accept the fact that God has not answered that prayer in the way I wanted him to yet. And he may very well not grant that blessing. I do truly believe I will be a mother one day....and on that day I will proudly stand when the mothers are asked to rise to their feet. Until then I request prayer to get through this day. I am very aware that I could skip and I know a lot of people advise this but for some reason I don't feel like skipping church.

I just know that it has been exactly a month since my surgery and I really had hoped that maybe God would miraculously get us pregnant this month and I could find out on Mother's Day :) Instead I'm pretty much finding out like every other month that I am not pregnant :( So that will also make it hard to sit through...knowing that once again we have failed to conceive, when all around me babies are being born and people are announcing pregnancies...Even people who went through infertility....it seems everybody else just has a shorter season of infertility to experience than us... It's like right when they get to their breaking point...they announce they are pregnant. Every time we get to a breaking point and I cry out..nothing happens...We still are childless :(  It's very hard to accept that He is choosing to answer others prayers for a baby and not ours. So I guess as I sit here on May 7, 2011 the night before another Mother's Day where I yearn to be a mom I ask you to please pray. Pray that God hears and answers our prayers! And that He will give us guidance.

Song

I meant to post this with my last post but totally forgot!! A song that I just absolutely love right now is Kristian Stanfill's "Always". Below are some of the lyrics I am clinging to and singing out in praise. I know OUR GOD will come through, always!!

I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
From You Lord, from You Lord

Expecting A Miracle

Happy Easter everyone! Hope it's been a wonderful and blessed weekend! I have had 4 days off and that has been fantastic!! We had 3 choir performances that were incredible!! I love my church :) So this weekend I've really started praying and claiming scripture. I know God has a plan and anything out of HIS will I don't want to pursue. However I also know what the bible says about giving us the desires of our hearts and trusting in HIS faithfulness to provide! So...I've decided to start expecting a miracle! I know some of you may think its "jumping the gun" or whatever you wanna call it, but I've decided to buy a few things every so often to prepare for the sweet little one God is going to give us one day. I know I will have no idea now if we will have a boy, girl or both, so I'm trying to look at gender neutral things. I've gotten a few outfits I just thought were sweet and would like to have. If we never have a real little baby, I can always give them away or just keep them I guess. But one thing I've always been so excited to buy is one of those cool picture frames that you put an ultrasound picture in. I didn't find the one with scripture on it, but I did find this one.

   I figured it was fitting since it said "A miracle waiting to be seen." We are waiting. And one day if God calls us towards adoption instead I will put a picture of our sweet expected child in the frame. I just feel that if I begin preparing myself for the blessings God is going to pour out, then I am showing that I do believe He is faithful to provide and that if He doesn't soon, He will provide that patience and guidance for our next step.

I cannot believe it has been almost 3 years. I know for some people that is not a big deal but for us it seems like a lifetime. Considering most of my friends are on their 2nd child now I am still so sad that we don't have one. I really really wanna raise my babies with friends their age. I also want to have babies with my sisters/sisterinlaws. Vanessa already has Hannah and I'm sure they will have another one in the next few years. Anne is due in just a few weeks with a sweet baby girl, and I'm sure Leslie will start trying in the next few years too. I just want my baby to have cousins around their ages. I pray that God answers our prayers very soon! We are so tired of waiting!! Also I had so share this picture of a sweet little guy, Sullivan. He is my friend Meredith's little boy and just a handsome little fella. He was all decked out in his Easter best yesterday so I thought I'd share this picture.

I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the week and still be in prayer for us as we continue on this journey! I go back to the Dr May 3 for my post-op appt and we will see then which direction we are moving!

Recovering Nicely :)

Thanks for all the prayers on Friday! The surgery went really really well. I was not anywhere near as nervous this time around. I actually slept fairly well on Thursday and we were at the surgery center a little early. I loved having my mom and Allen with me! We got checked in and they took me back and got me all ready. Everyone was so sweet and caring. I knew I was in good hands. They did an IV in my arm instead of my hand this time so that was a little less stressful too :) I pretty much just relaxed and visited with my mom and Allen while they prepped me etc.. Finally they gave me some meds to just relax and then it was time to take me back. I remember breathing in some oxygen and then I was out!

When I woke up I was more groggy this time and a little nauseous. I took me a little longer to get ready and leave. Dr. Doody came by for a second and told me that they did find some more endometriosis but he did a little more extensive removal. They also found that my cervix was narrow so he dilated it. That could definitely be one issue that is keeping us from getting pregnant. So I am very hopeful with the results we received. He said everything looked great. I am not to do anything real active for 3 weeks and I go back on May 3.

Friday I just sort of laid around and my mom and Allen waited on me all day! Hank has been such a sweet little guy. He knew something was wrong so he has just been very careful around me. I've had some pain from the gas but not nearly as much as last time. Really on Friday the worst part was being nauseous. Allen's parents came over for dinner Friday night and I only made it a little while before I had to go back to bed..I just felt so pukey! Anyway yesterday and today have been pretty good. I am so glad I took Monday off too tho. I think it will be nice to have one more day not to worry about getting out. Anyway thanks again for all who have been praying. We are still waiting on God to work that perfect miracle and bless us with a sweet wonderful baby!

Surgery

I'm asking for prayer this Friday morning. Going back in to have a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis again. I am not as nervous this time as I was last time because I do know what to expect, but I'm still dreading it :( We had a very emotional service on Sunday. Choir special and service were wonderful with a powerful message and then during Sunday School our whole class prayed over us. There was not a dry eye when it was all done! We are so blessed to have a wonderful church family. I know God has placed us in the right place and has given us wonderful friends to share good and difficult times. I am resting in God's peace and know that He will bring me through the surgery and hopefully He has a sweet little one in our future. Pray for us as we decide to move forward with the shots or to just let it be. I have felt lately that God really wants us to just stop everything and really really wait on HIM. This is so so so hard for me so I really am asking for prayers. I will update again after surgery and when I am feeling better!