Peace

Today's devotional was on inner peace. I was reminded of the story of Jesus and the disciples on the water. While he was sleeping, large waves were crashing over the boat. The disciples feared for their lives and didn't understand why Jesus wasn't helping them. When he finally did wake up he calmed the waves and asked his disciples"Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

Well this is what I needed to hear today. What a storm I am going through. For the last 2 months I have either attended a baby shower or found out someone was pregnant EVERY single week. Those are my waves. When you go through a trial and the waves keep getting bigger and bigger it is so search for Jesus and ask, Where are you? But the truth is, HE is right there with you. He can give you peace in the storm and HE can calm the storm when he chooses.

Just this week my brother called to tell me he and his wife are having a baby. As thrilled as I am for them, once again this is another sibling of ours who didn't have to try to get pregnant and is pregnant before us. I sit and wonder , why God? Why are you allowing all of these close people around me to get pregnant NOW, of all times when we are going through this trial? The truth is, I am upset that God has chosen us to experience this trial. Of course I don't want my sister or sister in laws to ever experience infertility, but how hard it is for me to show my excitement when I have no one around me who shares my pain and suffering.

Just last night we were talking to a friend of ours who went through a similar situation but now has a child. I asked him if he knew know why God allowed them to go through that. He said he thinks its because he doesn't take the child for granted. Now when people stop him and comment on how cute she is, they are able to share their story of how God blessed them and just how long they had to be patient. While I agree with that and how awesome a testimony it is, I don't think that is why God is testing us. This is my reasoning..I don't feel like if we had gotten pregnant 2 years ago that we would ever have taken having a child for granted. This may seem selfish, but to me I've always thought Allen and I understood the miracle and blessing of having a child and just how wonderful it will be. I can't imagine he and I ever would have just had a kid and then gone about our daily lives leaving them with whoever. I think 2 years ago, now, and 15 years into the future we will love and appreciate them the same. I obviously don't know what God's real reasoning is, but when he said that I really felt strongly that this was not us. We know people who have kids and I think at times take that sweet blessing for granted. But I have wanted to be a mother my whole life. I have always had that nurturing gene and have always felt like I would make a good mother. So to think that God would test me just to see if I could appreciate them more, doesn't seem like the right answer.

I guess we may never know. I can say and believe God has a plan and I must trust Him. But going through my day to day life when all around me pregnancy is in my face, that is SOOOO hard. I just pray for it to let up a little, and then boom! Someone comes out and says they are pregnant. And with lots of these people, its not their first. So that is even harder. They already have children God...and you are blessing them with more. Why can't we have just one?I know that I just have to let go and let God take complete control over this area in my life. And while the storms keep raging and I feel like I'm sinking I should trust in His perfect plan and know that our day is coming. He will bless us with children in some way I am sure. But until then, I pray for the inner peace. The peace that the world cannot give or take away. Only God can grant that peace and I need it every single day.